I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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