Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
