Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
