dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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