You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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