I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
