I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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