Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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