I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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