I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
