My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
