so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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