how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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