Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
