There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
