i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
