It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
