it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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