she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
