i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
