I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
