there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
