i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
