i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
