So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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