you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
