It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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