I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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