he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
