After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
