you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
