i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
