If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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