I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
