my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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