thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
