Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
