did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
