Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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