Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
