I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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