My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
All I want is dick and wine.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
