the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
