pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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