im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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