Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
