I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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