the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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