How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
