and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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