smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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