we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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