who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Drunk is not a location!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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