I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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